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Things in my personal life have gotten bad.

like, really bad.

So bad on the 23rd I'm going to a doctor to go back on antidepressants and hopefully antianxiety medications so I can get through my days.

Lately I've been reflecting on time. I'm nearly 30. I started LJing at 17. Jesus how the time goes by. Too fast, yet too slow. I really wish I was a better person at 17, but I just didn't know any better and now I'm screwed. I really don't want to be 40 and single. most people don't understand we simply don't get our time back. A year, maybe two, fine. But, jesus this is ridiculous. Either I'm hideously unattractive or I have the worst luck ever or both.

Christ, my life is a wreck. I can't wait to get on the happy pills again. I need to stop feeling like the jaws of time are at my neck.
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So after my last post I was bugging out and super curious.

I was very familiar with the feminist, social justice activist point of view.

I was curious as to if there was in existence any sort of actual reasonable skeptical viewpoint on whether or not we lived in a rape culture or is how we view rape something else, perhaps a byproduct of a culture of a repressed hypersexuality and a culture of extreme violence?

There is not.

Warning. Stupid ahead. A lot of stupid.

I'm starting to see where the anger and rage and hostility comes from.


Feb. 3rd, 2011 12:39 am
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So I've been keeping up with the Penny Arcade Dickwolf debacle(See here Major Warning: Discusses rape).

Phil Plait once gave a talk on the tone argument in a skepticism context. You can find it here. He talks about Skepticism and how to turn people to the light. He brings up several basic questions. First off, what are you trying to accomplish? Second off, have you EVER personally had your mind changed because someone was insulting to you?

So I'm curious.

What the fuck is Shakesville trying to accomplish? Or any number of other liberal outrage outlets? Yes it's easy to be outraged. Yes it's perfectly OK to be angry. However, no, the work isn't easy, and despite wanting to have a safe space, if you're going to have open posting, open reading and open commenting, you're *hurting* discourse and the work others are trying to put forward by making the whole topic an incredible ball of hostility. There are people in the middle between you and the absolute worst thing ever. Going nuclear means that you make accessing everyone else who's not firmly on your side that much more difficult to reach.

For the love of god, don't be a dick.
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My good friend [livejournal.com profile] ssfseiyakou's pet, Bandit, is having some problems.

One of her friends put together a raffle to help her pay for the whole mess.

Get to it! Now! ♥
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Tits or GTFO.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Haven't done memes like this in awhile.

From [livejournal.com profile] pagenfox

The color meme.

Comment here and I will give you a color I feel best represents you, you are to take said color and post five items in your LJ that you like in that color.

I was given purple.

1) Hair. I love wild hair colors; purple is by far my favorite on others; pink is good too(should I dye my hair purple?)
2) Grapes, because, who doesn't love a little fruit?
3) Electronics! Purple is a pretty color. I think electronics should be pretty.
4) The sky. When the sun's setting, and the sky turns a nice array of colors. It's nice.
5) Clothes! Purple's my favorite color; so, I'm happy whenever I can wrap it around my body in some way or another.

She also gave me a shag/marry/dump...

of Elvis, She-Ra and Xena.

Marry: Elvis. If he were alive today his fortune would be worth billions. I want a piece of that. XD
Do: She-Ra. Only because of my options.
Dump: Xena. Then, when Elvis kicks the bucket, marry. XD
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So, the year's ending.

Yes, I've been sad a lot. Yes, this year SUCKED ASS.

But I did a lot of scanning of my journal over the last three years.

I was much happier when I was with my ex than I am now. Clearly obvious right?

What's going on here, I suspect, isn't that I OMG NEED to be in a relationship, but I need self confidence, when I was with her, that didn't become a problem. We try to remember our hits rather than our misses, this is the confirmation bias fallacy. I feel I commit it too out of sheer habit, because I really didn't have a lot of hits in my life. When I had a hit in my life, it became easy to buttress myself and feel good about who I am and what I am. When that wasn't true anymore, my internal mechanisms turned against me.

My friends tell me I'm awesome. I should atleast be aware that if they're wrong, I'm atleast snazzy and neat.

On that note, there are two songs that have been bouncing around my head about my year.

Musical song in review. )
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Let me get this in here. I'm not denying privilege exists. I'm not denying that there's a glass ceiling or that shit sucks for women. I'm not. But, I've been pondering dating a whole lot ever since in the last few months, I've been hearing about my a bunch of my friends scoring huge successes in their own dating lives, and the whole notion of privilege seems... more complicated than what social justice activists want us to believe.

There's a book I'm pondering reading, Self Made Man, by Norah Vincent. I'm not sure if I want to actually read this book because I'd rather not know for certain that I've given up a significant portion of my social male privilege(I know my professional male privilege is intact; I'm tired of hearing the phrase, "Can I talk to a man?" being uttered to my fellow tech support reps of the female persuasion). She goes undercover as a man for a period of a year, and during that time she tries dating. Well, surprise, women in her sample tended to not want an emotionally aware, sensitive guy. They wanted Men. Someone who fits the gender stereotype.

Which, I'm pretty sure I'm not.

I don't grunt, I'm not aggressive, I'm not into penis waving contests, I'm bi, and on and on and on. I'm pretty sure there's a flaw in that her sample size is tiny. 32 women. But even considering that, it's been my experience that is true. When you're awkward, geeky, queer and sensitive, something shuts off for most women and I don't think it's psychological in the evolutionary psychological sense(evo psych is a huge rant for later; yay post-hoc logical fallacies!), if it were, then the odds for people like me would have to be *much*, *much* lower.

However the mechanisms that enable male privilege only enable it in so far as how close you are in the "man" zone. If you're gay? Minus points. If you're a transman? Minus *lots* of points. If you're a awkward geeky type? Minus points. if you're not aggressive and macho? More points off. This zone isn't static either, it's been moving closer and closer in my direction; but I still feel really outside of it. It feels like a slow moving ship coming in over the horizon that may not even come anywhere close to where I'm at and it feels really stupid and frustrating.

It's really on this ground I feel like a failure. I stepped out of the "man" zone. Things are going to be tough. I failed at a game that's basically rigged against me because the whole concept of what masculinity is kind of disgusted me on a very deep level. I guess that's not my fault.

This also feels like a learning moment for intersectionalism, but, finding out that stat penalties stack up isn't particularly new(especially if you play RPGS; tabletop, pen and paper or video game wise) or particularly philosophically or politically useful; unless white, cisgendered, male, WASP privilege is so thick to some people that they really honestly do not know that. I am an optimist. I would like to think this is not true.
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I hate not being able to go into details. All I can say is...




I need a drink.
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01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What’s your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favorite and least favorite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

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I caught the last ep of Avatar on the way out the door. No ones here at the club yet so I'm going to bitch about cartoons. Two things bugged the shit out of me.

First. The Asian culture thing. I've already written about that a bit in reference to the live action film but I also noticed that It's co-option at it's worst. It is by white people for white people. Also, if it really were about Asian culture then why the use of western elements? Not Chinese or other Asian elemental systems?

Second, the claims by fans that it is better than anime. Wrong. Name a point in the series that is as emotionally self indulgent as say Evangelion? Or speaks to the human condition like Utena does? It IS good and given how blatantly anime coopts western culture, I can easily let that slide. But it is bland on some personal level. It is as good as any given shounen series with bright flashy effects and good characters, but it doesn't risk anything emotionally or intellectually and that bothers me. Nothing really challenged me. It has to, in order to survive on mainstream kids programming, be pretty inoffensive on that level. Which is fine. But for anime fans or anime aware fans of the show to tell me it's better than most anime is kind of crap and pretty weak.

Given the success of the show I'm surprised there aren't more shows like this on the air. It's either blatant commercialization or it's hack comedy. I guess optimism isn't warranted sometimes.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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IE6 is the bane of my god damned existence.
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Hey folks!

Yes, I haven't posted in a while, that's because largely nothing new has come out. How many times can I bitch about being broke and single? It's like the modern status quo these days.

I have a new project that isn't big, but, I'll be really proud of coming down the pike. I can't talk about it yet, not until it's done, but, rest assured, it will be kind of neat. Potentially awesome.
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whee. layoff time sure is fun.

Hope I have a job tomorrow.

On Anxiety.

Oct. 6th, 2010 09:53 pm
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If you don't listen to WTF with Marc Maron, Get on it, now.

Marc's latest guest is Louis C.K. who opined that we do things based on our anxiety and that maybe we should rethink rash decisions and evaluate whether or not this based on anxiety.

I agree, but if it is, and it's a net positive, I say do it. Why not? We all need change in our lives.

That being said, I'm doing Yaoi-con this year. Did I make the decision out of anxiety? Possibly. Is it going to be a fun weekend with a bunch of like minded people in a really hip and rockin' town? You bet your god damned ass.
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I've been pondering going full on goth in terms of how I dress.

I don't know though. I don't think I like Bauhaus that much.
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holy crap, my brother was mugged and robbed at work.



Sep. 20th, 2010 11:22 pm
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